Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.
This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.
I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.
A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.
Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.
Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.
This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.
Elara is a seasoned writer and digital storyteller with a passion for exploring diverse literary genres and empowering others through words.
